China may be the new economic powerhouse of the world; a manufacturing behemoth that will almost undoubtedly eclipse the United States in time to come.  Yet for all its power and growing importance, with the possible exception of Saudi Arabia, it’s probably the lousiest place in the world to indulge in sex masturbation.

China, which ironically mass produces more sex toys than any other nation on earth, is not going to give its own citizens the opportunity to enjoy sex masturbation material anytime soon. The land where concubines once doted on an Emperors every sexual whim,  has banned 1,414 works of online literature on the grounds that it was of a pornographic, sex masturbation nature in a nationwide campaign to eradicate what it considers to be lewd content from the Internet.

So far, and they are really only just getting warmed up, Chinese authorities have banned about 30,000 web links that leads to banned works. Twenty online literature websites have so far been closed after scrutiny of about 4,000 literature websites by more than 50 ‘experts’  the General Administration of Press and Publication (GAPP) said in a statement on Tuesday.

These ‘experts’, the moral minority who decide what is edifying and what is smutty sex masturbation material that should be banned, intend to include all pornographic content, use of  provocative or privacy-violating titles to draw attention, or blatantly talk about one-night stands, wife swapping, sex abuses, and other such sex masturbation material, and violence that ‘disregards common decency’ the GAPP said.

The administration would also establish laws and regulations on the publishing of literature online; Xinhua quoted the statement, as saying.

In June, the government ordered all new personal computers produced or sold in China after July 1 to carry “Green Dam-Youth Escort,” a filtering software designed to block sex masturbation content.

Following huge controversy, the software was declared not compulsory by the government in August as Internet users accused it of privacy invasion and blocking information. However, with GAPP in firm control of what can be blocked, banned and suppressed, do not expect to be settling down in front of your PC in the Shanghai Hilton to have a nice cosy sex masturbation session with your favorite porn site.

There are several enlightened and knowledgeable sites on the subject of sex masturbation, there are also those who vehemently teach, preach and rail against it. It’s always interesting to read an alternative point of view. One gentleman felt so impelled to warn us of the woes of sex masturbation that he submitted a lengthy article on the subject and uploaded it to the internet.

Vijay writes: “We feel guilty of sex masturbation because we keep on losing the vital ingredient of life… the precious semen which is required to be stored if we desire to achieve higher goals in life.” Perhaps Mr Kain has not read any articles that state that sex masturbation can actually help offset prostrate cancer.

He goes on to say: “Read the Autobiography of Bertrand Russell – he was an expert in the act of Masturbation. He admitted all this in his autobiography… he was one of the famous psychologists of his time…. Yet, he overcame this fallacy of his life (sex masturbation) by adapting a creative attitude towards life. He made himself world-famous.” We assume here that Vijay is saying that Bertrand Russell became world famous for psychology and not for sex masturbation.

Fortunately, Vijay has a remedy to cure us once and for all of our tendency to indulge in sex masturbation.  He states: “You are an intelligent human being! What are you waiting for… just stop sex masturbation from now onwards and that is possible only when you recite some mantra. And what is that mantra? For a small moment of time imagine that if all the ladies in the world were your mother, sister or daughter… then also would it be possible for you to imagine yourself in sexual fantasies! Never… and if these sexual fantasies ceased to exist then the need to masturbate would not arise. We only masturbate to gratify and satisfy our sexual urges. And these sexual urges are related to the world of sexual fantasy we have built around us.”

But then Vijay seems to confuse sex masturbation with menstruation: “Don’t forget, these sexual urges which spur male masturbation occur once in a month. And why is that so? Even if one does not indulge in sexual fantasies then also we shall feel the urge to masturbate very strongly once in a month.”

But the message is clear. Sex masturbation is an energy sapping curse that occurs once a month and we must think of our mothers and sisters when it is visited upon us. Interesting.